Reader Question: How Do I Resist Having Sex with My Fiance?

To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Latest posts from on 09/30/2013

 

By Sheila on Sep 30, 2013 07:30 am

Is there hope for a loveless marriage?Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it! Today let’s deal with one I get frequently from young women: “I want to wait until marriage, but it’s hard!”

Here’s one email that I received:

My boyfriend and I really want to wait until marriage to make love. We know how important purity is. But we’ve been so tempted, and we’ve already gone further than we should. We haven’t had sex yet, but I’m afraid that it’s just a matter of time. I don’t want to start my marriage like that! What do I do?

I know that’s a struggle so many people have, so I thought I’d address it today. If the problem is more that you’ve already begun sleeping with him–or maybe even living with him–and you want to stop but you’re afraid you’ll lose him, read this post on how to stop sleeping with your boyfriend. But if it’s more that you’re feeling really tempted to sleep with him now, and you’re afraid that you won’t stay pure, read on:

 

How Do I Stay Pure with My Boyfriend--and resist having sex?

Know Why You’re Waiting

It’s hard to wait if you figure it’s just something you’re SUPPOSED to do in order to be a “good girl”. Then it’s all too easy to doubt yourself, and all too easy to get a warped view of sex, where sex is seen as something wrong that “good girls don’t do”. Nothing is further from the truth!

God wants us to wait because sex is supposed to be intimate on many levels: physical, yes, but also emotional and spiritual. It truly binds you together. And when you wait, you’ll enjoy a better sex life afterwards (as I found in the surveys for The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex). I’ve written a few posts on why God wants us to wait for marriage, and I’d suggest reading them (and getting my book!) so you have a better view of sex–and more incentive to wait!

Here’s what one woman said on Facebook when I asked my readers what their advice for waiting is:

I didn’t succeed with this, and oh… Do I wish I did. I fell into temptation. Although we did marry, and are still married 15 years later, I still find myself wishing we would have waited for marriage. I can just imagine the sacredness of the wedding night. After a long wait, completely seeking God and relying on His promises. Then feeling that huge sense of accomplishment when you know you’ve done what He commands! Sex is a gift, and when used how its intended, such a privilege and blessing. I’ve recently watched two very dear couples to us successfully wait until their wedding night, and one of them, we’re close enough girl friends for her to share with me how rewarding it was, and I would give anything to be able to experience that. Once its spent, its spent. If I’d known then what I know now, we would have definitely waited. Persevere for the reward God has for you! You will not regret it! And, congratulations!

Have a Short Engagement

Seriously. When you feel that close to each other, it is hard resist. There’s a reason that Paul wrote, “it’s better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:9).

I got married in December. Sure, a summer wedding would have been prettier, but we wanted to marry, and why wait twelve months when we only had to wait three? If you’re sure, and he’s sure, short engagements are likely better, and much easier.

Resist Temptation by Hanging out In Public

If it’s feasible, try not to spend too much time alone in each other’s apartments or homes. I know that isn’t always feasible, especially if you each live on your own, with no roommates. But then try to plan things to do, rather than just hanging out. Go for lots of walks. Volunteer together. Take up some sports you can do together.

When we hang out at each other’s homes, we tend to make out a whole lot. And even if you don’t have sex, you can still get more physical than you would want to. But there’s another danger: if your relationship becomes mostly physical, then you get married without having anything fun that you tend to do together. So it’s better to spend those weeks and months before the wedding finding things you enjoy doing together that don’t involve a liplock.

When I asked the question on my Facebook Page a while back, “how do you resist having sex before you’re married”, this was the one thing that people were most adamant about: don’t be home alone. So do try to build boundaries and fences just to make it easier.

Get Acccountability

Do you have a good friend you can trust whom you can ask to pray for you? Do you have housemates that can hang out with both of you as a couple? If you have another couple, or a friend, that you can go to for accountability, that can help you resist. If you know someone is going to ask you pointed questions: “did you put yourself in a compromising position this week?”, or “did you go further than you want to go”?, it’s easier to say no. And if you have someone that you can talk to about where you should draw the line, that can help, too.

Be Careful About Praying and/or Talking Too Much About What You’re NOT Going to Do

This one may seem counterintuitive–after all, if you want to wait, shouldn’t you be praying together? Well, yes. And no. You see, praying is one of the most intimate things we can do together. And while I absolutely recommend that couples pray together, you could be finding that this is part of the temptation. So if you’re really struggling after you’ve prayed together, it could just be the natural pull we feel towards sex when we also feel connected in other ways. So maybe you should keep your prayer life in public, too!

But there’s another thing to consider: if you’re trying to remain pure, and you talk about it all the time, you can aggravate the problem. Let’s say that you’re experiencing a lot of sexual tension. You want to have sex, and you’re really drawn to him. What’s now going to happen if you start talking about where to draw the line? You’ll start to talk about what you CAN’T do, and likely how these things make you feel, and it just can make the whole problem worse. Again, now you’re talking about sex together, which makes you more intimate again.

You already know where the line is. You’ve already decided. You don’t need to talk about it again. Next time you’re in a compromising situation, instead of starting a big conversation about it, why don’t you go make cookies? Or go out for a walk? Or just do something else? Just don’t get into a long conversation about it, because it can feed the temptation.

Fight with the Weapons You Have–Memorize Scripture

If you’re feeling tempted, you’re hearing in your head all these messages–

you’re going to fail, you can’t resist, it would be SOOOO good, it’s hopeless!

Why not start filling your head with Scripture instead? When Jesus was tempted, He fought back with Scripture, and you can, too! When you’re going through a hard time in your Christian walk, now’s the time to pull closer to God. I’ve got a list of the 50 best Bible verses to memorize, and if you focus on those, and learn a new one every week, and keep reciting it, you’ll likely find it easier to fight back against temptation! And there are some great verses, too:

Dayspring I Can Do All Things Plaque

Ultimately Waiting Until Marriage Is a Heart Issue

Ultimately, though, you can put all the boundaries in place, and all the accountability in place, and none of it will work if you’re not seriously committed to waiting. I did wait because the idea of NOT waiting was never an option. I grew up always knowing I would wait, and even though it was tempting, we did. We were alone together in my apartment, and we still waited. At some point you either have the self-control or you don’t. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t put boundaries around you, but I guess I’m not as adamant as some of the people on my Facebook Page, because I really do think that it’s ultimately a heart issue. You need to decide INTERNALLY to wait, and you need to just be sure, within yourself, that this is what you’re going to do. I really like this reply by one woman:

Internal motivation vs external rules will carry you much further. I know a lot of folks are saying you should not be alone, but I don’t see that as a healthy way to spend the weeks/months leading up to marriage at ALL. My husband and I were engaged for over two years (he was in a strict military academy for 4 years, and was not allowed to marry or live off base until graduation). We were alone all the time, but stayed active with our church, multiple Bible studies, and just set our minds to waiting until the wedding. We were both virgins when we married, and relied more on the grace of God than rules we set for ourselves.

I do think that if you’re really struggling, setting up rules like don’t be alone, have accountability partners, don’t hang out in bedrooms, etc., are definitely a good idea. But, to be honest, my husband and I didn’t  have those rules, and we waited, because we were also immersing ourselves in Bible studies together and praying together and serving in church together, and we were just totally committed to waiting. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, and I think we all have different temptations that we’re prone to. But ultimately deciding to wait until marriage for sex is a heart issue, and external rules will only take you so far.

What do you think? What do you recommend for couples who want to wait until the wedding? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

 

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September 27, 2013
When God Does a New Thing
Gwen Smith

Today’s Truth
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Friend to Friend
I admit, I’m a sucker for the makeover shows. It doesn’t matter what kind… home makeovers, fashion makeovers… or even the shows that take a person from drab or flab to fab. I just love to see an amazing transformation! Don’t you?

Last summer we “transformed” our family a bit when we added a bouncy little puppy to the mix. Fun, right? Mostly, yes, but there is a bit more to the story…

Let’s just say that it took a good while for our precious new addition to get the hang of potty training and healthy chewing patterns. Our little, little dog caused us big, big problems when he chewed up and stained our family room carpet.

It. Looked. Awful.

For months!

Eventually, when he grew into his bladder and better doggy habits, I was ready for a makeover of a carpet-kind in my munched-on, stained-up family room. So we went to the home improvement store, ordered new carpet and waited with excitement for installation day.

When the day finally came around, I watched the installers painstakingly remove the old flooring layer by layer. First they pulled back and removed the stained, chewed up carpet. Then they tore out the worn down old pad and put all the nasty, soiled carpet and padding in their van to take to the dump.

Next they cleared away the remaining debris – cleaned the entire area – and installed the fresh flooring. A fluffy new foundation of padding and carpet! Hallelujah! It was a beautiful transformation!

God is all about beautiful transformations. He is an active, deeply personal, infinitely caring God who restores us on a heart level with a makeover of a masterful kind. When we turn to Him in repentance, He takes the broken, stained areas of our lives away and replaces our mess with a beauty that is far beyond ourselves – the beauty of Christ.

The Bible has a great deal to say about what happens when we turn to God:

“Those who look to him are radiant; they are never covered in shame.” Psalm 34:5

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Listen, friend, I am living proof of the scandalous nature of God’s grace… of His willingness to forgive and restore ugly, tattered heart places. I don’t write from a platform of perfection, but from a foundation of grace that was finished and established by the blood of Jesus Christ.

He came so that you and I could live beyond our pasts – beyond our disappointments – beyond our biggest mistakes and our deepest pains. He came so we could be forgiven and made new. So we could have abundant life.

Full. Life.

I don’t know where this finds you right now, but God surely does. He knows and sees everything – and still His love remains.

We all have brokenness that needs fixingand stains that need to be cleaned. We all need a makeover! The good news of the Gospel is simple: when we call out to God and seek His heart and forgiveness through Jesus Christ, He does a new thing! He meets us with mercy, forgives us completely, blesses us with grace and does a masterful, life-changing work of transformation.

Let’s Pray
Dear Lord, I’m so grateful that You love makeovers as much as I do! You know my heart and You know my messes, failures and wounds. Please create a clean heart in me today, Lord. Would You do a new and beautiful thing? In Jesus’s Name I pray, Amen.

Now it’s Your Turn

Are you ready to move forward in God’s fresh grace today? Click over to my blog ormy Facebook page and leave a comment that says, “I’m ready for a new thing!” While you’re there, check out the photo of my precious problematic puppy and take a moment to listen to the song Broken into Beautiful.

Is there someone you know who needs to read this message? Forward this email. Post it on your social media sites. Share the hope of healing.

More from the Girlfriends
My full testimony is featured the book, Broken into Beautiful, along with Scriptural truths and stories of how God has brought restoration the hearts of many other women who had painful life wounds. Experience God’s healing and hope in your life today as you read Broken Into Beautiful! To order the book, go to Amazon or, for a signed copy, visit my website.

Seeking God?
Click here to find out more about 
how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

 

Girlfriends in God
P.O. Box 725
Matthews, NC 28106
info@girlfriendsingod.com
www.girlfriendsingod.com

The Moment Lysa TerKeurst

 

September 26, 2013

 

“And yet I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” (1 Corinthians 12:31 – 13:1 NIV)

Each morning, I have a routine with my husband. It’s simple. Nothing profound. Nothing for which we’d ever stop and snap a picture.

It’s just a moment.

He asks me to help him pick a tie. He then goes away to fuss with this fixture of his professional job. Soon, he returns with a flipped up collar and a pressed down, knotted tie. He needs gentle hands to fold the collar over. Actually, he doesn’t need. He wants gentle hands to fold the collar over.

And I do.

It’s just a moment.

But it’s a moment when we follow the “excellent way” of love. In the intersection of this moment, we’re once again saying to each other: I love you; I love you too.

Now, please don’t get an overly idyllic picture in your head of our marriage. Heavens, no. We have plenty of those “growth opportunity” moments too.

But this moment with the tie, it’s like a spot of glue ever tightening the bond between us day by day. It’s so simple, and yet something I would miss with the deepest ache imaginable if today were the last of the moments.

If today.

Tears slip as I think about this. Dear God, help me think about this. Let me snap a hundred of these moments with the lens of my heart to be stored and appreciated and thought of as the great treasure they are.

Let my mind park there.

Let my heart relish there.

Let my mouth dare to whisper what a joy this is. I love you. I love us. I love this moment each day.

Our relationship isn’t perfect; no relationship is perfect. We’re two very strong-willed people with vastly different approaches to life. And, oh, how easy it would be to list all the differences. He likes the towel hanging in the same spot. I am more creative. But I stop the list there.

I stop because great love isn’t two people finding the perfect match in one another. Great love is two people making the choice to be a match. A decision. To fold his collar and snap the heart lens and find myself grateful to the point of tears. Tears of relishing today are so much better than tears of what was missed.

It’s just a moment.

Or is it?

Dear Lord, help me to appreciate each moment given to me. I want to park my mind on the daily moments I too often take for granted. Thank You for this joy, so simple but so sweet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Related Resources

Purchase Encouragement for Today:

This devotion is pulled directly from our brand new book:Encouragement for Today: Devotions for Everyday Living. One of our readers, Miranda, said, “I used to feel hopeless and like my life didn’t matter. Through Encouragement for Today, I feel equipped to be a godly wife and mom, and like I have a purpose.”

Our heart is to equip you too, through the 100 daily devotions written by woman on our team from every walk of life. Purchase your copy by clicking here.

Visit Lysa TerKeurst’s blog for more encouragement.

 

Remember
Let me snap a hundred “I love you” moments with the lens of my heart to be stored and appreciated and thought of as the great treasure they are.

Reflect
In what ways can you turn everyday moments into treasures? It may be as simple as relishing a moment in your heart or it may mean beginning a new moment every day, such as folding a collar over a necktie.

Respond
Discuss your “moments” with your spouse, your family, or a friend. Ask what stands out to them as important and meaningful and choose together to relish them. Take a photograph or journal about one moment.

Power Verses
1 Peter 4:8; Psalm 90:12

Taken from Encouragement for Today: Devotions for Everyday Living by Renee Swope, Lysa TerKeurst and Samantha Evilsizer. © 2013 Proverbs 31 Ministries. Used by permission of Zondervan. http://www.zondervan.com.

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